Today is Spray Day, Round 4. My time between bites is up–I now go 4-5 days between, and get between 1 and 3 bites when I have them, so things have improved significantly since the last round.
Last night as I was tidying up and moving my furniture so pest control can get at the walls, I felt hopeful and upbeat, which I can’t really explain… it’s like a little bit of hope snuck in while I was distracted by my Swiffering. I keep telling myself not to dare get my hopes up, because any setback will be that much more devastating–if a fall’s going to come, I’d rather it be from the small hill I’m on than from a higher elevation. Overall, I still feel a tangible dread of “what if this never ends?” or “what if it clears but then happens again?”, but last night that didn’t matter. Maybe it’s a new level of acceptance, allowing me to just live in the moment and respond to the current better state of things instead of getting bogged down in the “what ifs” and despair.
Either way, today I feel really light, though I worry about letting myself prematurely feel the relief of an ending. I know we attract what we turn our attention to, so I’d LIKE to be able to revel in hope and a positive interpretation of the improvements, but it’s going to take some work before I’m able to fully allow that.