I saw my spiritual director this afternoon and just let it all out. I feel so crazy, and so angry, and so helpless about this situation. These bugs are ruining my life. I can’t see my boyfriend, I can’t tell anyone (except my faraway friends) what I’m going through, I’m living out of ziploc bags, I’m setting my alarm at random times 4 times a night to try and catch them in the act and kill them… It’s a pain because it could be any time in the night, so my odds aren’t good, but it feels nice to think that if I catch even one, it’s one that isn’t going to be here anymore.
Through the session, I’ve come to see that I need to put this in its place. This is not my whole life. This is just part of it. And it’s a common problem–this happens to millions of people. And it’s not the worst thing that could happen to me: it isn’t cancer, it isn’t war, it isn’t homelessness or famine. This is a temporary thing, and it will someday end and I will get my life back. I need to remember to give this a proportionate place in my life, and not to make it the focus of all my energy, even though it’s hard because it’s still pretty new and super traumatic.
I’m at a point where 80% of the day I’m fine… going to bed is hard and waking up is still sad. But I’m trying really hard to just accept that this is happening, remember it’s a common experience, trust the pesticides, stay vigilant, and live my life.
A (paraphrased) quote from Caroline Myss came to mind, something like “What you most fear is what will happen to you, to prove that you’re bigger than it is.” I’ve been pretty afraid of getting bedbugs since I moved to the downtown/east side part of town, as there are always stories of apartment buildings here getting them. I suppose in that way, I attracted this to myself, and here I am dealing with it, and when they’re gone I’ll know that I wasn’t broken by the experience. Well, maybe cracked… 🙂